My Sign from Abby

One of my faithful followers told me to look for a sign from Abby that she was doing okay after  we let her go. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but within a day it was crystal clear.

I took a trip less than 24 hours after Abby passed. I had intended to cancel the trip to care for her, but the end came even quicker than we anticipated. The conference was a much needed spiritual reboot so I decided to go regardless of where my head and heart were at the time.

Look what was waiting for me when I checked in! I’ve stayed in a lot of hotels, but never one that came with its own dog. At first I thought I should chop off one of its legs, but then I realized it was Abby’s sign that she is running free now on all 4 legs.


Still have pictures and videos to come…


The rest of the story…

My next post will be all my favorite pictures, but before I get that organized, I thought I’d share the rest of our story. It’s not a pretty story so feel free to skip this one if you’d rather just wait for happy running puppy pictures.

It’s been a week since we lost Abby. She would have been 19 months old yesterday. She was here such a short time, but every single person who met her fell in love with her. I just loved her 100 times more – and she loved me back that much.

We only had 12 days with her after the vet found lung mets. We weren’t even planning X-rays since she’s just had them 4 weeks earlier, but a suspicious lump on her shoulder led to broad X-rays and the discovery.

Abby had been fatigued the day before the diagnosis and that continued. She would get up to go to the bathroom but then just lay down on the ground as soon as she was done. She was happy to rest on a couch or bed and wanted constant affection.

Her breathing was never horrible, but there was a constant wheeze. She tolerated a week of dasatsnib (a tyrosine kinase inhibitor) and then she was done. She couldn’t keep it down, lost interest in most food, and occasionally lost control of her bodily functions. She started retreating to her kennel which she had never done. At night, she would lay on the bed with my son, but was always awake when I checked on her. Our vet had warned us she would resist sleep because it made breathing harder. She slept a little during the day and always looked like she was REM-crashing into another 4-legged running dream.

Because her decline progressed so quickly over the weekend, we never got all of our medical questions answered, but it became clear she was dying. It didn’t make sense to push for answers when there was really only one. The tumor on her shoulder doubled in size, she was rapidly losing weight, there were signs of internal bleeding, and the scent of her body changed.

One of our goals all along had been to get Abby back to our house after being away for a 6 month remodel. In my mind, all the pain of carrying her up the stairs of our apartment would be rewarded when we were all back home together. I had to let that dream go and realize that home for Abby was wherever her people were. We move in to the house today and it will be hard not to have her with us. It was hard just checking out of our hotel this morning (we finally found a place with an elevator!) as we shared her last days there together.

On her last day, we took her to the house and let her lie in the grass. She was at peace, but wasn’t able to play. At the end of the day, we took her back to her original vet who first found the cancer. As tired as Abby was, she still managed to get up and give puppy kisses to the vet when she entered the room. We each said goodbye and Abby kissed our tears away–loving to the very end. She passed quickly and peacefully – 2 last wheezes with her head on my lap and then she was gone. She looked so small laying there – she’d lost so much of her size in the last few weeks.

I still cry every day, but it’s easier than it was a week ago when it felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I actually slept better the first night she was gone than the several before because the constant worry is gone, but it still feels like she should be here–like there should have been a way to win this battle and keep her for years longer.

Cancer will always suck, but the one thing I’ll never regret is the amputation. Abby lived a full life as a tripawd. She had just over 3 months, but there were very few down days in there. She still needed our love and we needed hers.

Goodbye My Sweet Girl

I’ll post more in a few days, but I wanted to let you know that we let Abby go today. It hurts like hell, but I finally could see that we had crossed that invisible line.

Amazingly, we had a good last day. Here are all my kids together. image

Thank you for all the support. The Tripawds community rocks and you have the best blog commenters anywhere!

Am I Saving Her or Killing Her?

Cancer is such a confusing beast. So many questions. No clear path. Don’t worry – they’re all rhetorical questions. I have an amazing vet oncologist but sometimes there just aren’t answers.

Did she puke blood because the chemo is eating her stomach or because it’s killing the bad cells in her lungs?

If all she’ll eat is Little Smokies, shouldn’t I just let her have them?

Why do those damn little sausages smell so bad on the way back up?

How do you know when you’re helping her and when you’re hurting her? Where is the line and why can’t I see it?

We’ve dropped the dasatsnib dose and are trying the every other day plan. And there are still good moments. I know the picture below is sideways, but I’m on my phone and it doesn’t like the edit buttons. Hanging in there. Thanks for all the support.


Missing her Spark

First, I have to start by saying I’ve had a good week with Abby. She is snuggly and cuddly and the best behaved she’s ever been in her short 18 month life. She is eating her food and happily running in her dreams while she sleeps. She even had a chance to play in the snow for a few minutes.


On the other hand, she isn’t our typical Abby who can be quite a handful if she hasn’t had her proper exercise. We’re only one week post lung mets diagnosis, but the signs are there. She simply has no energy. This morning she went outside, did her business and then just laid down on the cold rocks. She also wheezes periodically, particularly outside in the cold air. It’s just a few breathy coughs and then she’s back to normal, but, as an asthmatic, I can relate to her struggle. It’s hard to believe that 5 weeks ago her lungs were perfectly clear.

She seems to be tolerating the dasatsnib (new daily chemo pill) with the help of anti-nausea meds. I give her that pill first, then breakfast and dasatsnib about an hour later. I’m reminded of how poisonous it is when I put on the required rubber gloves to handle it. I just pray that it’s poisoning the bad cells and saving the good ones. Tomorrow, we will up her dose from 11mg to 13mg.